a doppio, please

death is part of life. i don’t particularly like to think about it, but i know it will happen despite my delusion of immortality. having kids makes thoughts of my own demise even more tragic because I know what losing your parents feels like. it is not cool. if your parents are still alive, trust me – you cannot fathom the sense of loss when they go.

so like anything that worries me or stresses me out, i tend to joke about it. if we are to go through all of the hassle of funerals, cremations, mourning, grief, entombment, parades, or whatever tradition your particular culture dictates, shouldn’t it at least be entertaining? i don’t really want people to be sad. i want people to laugh and have a great time.

for years, i have been thinking of starting a funeral home for those who just really shouldn’t have died or who were strongly opposed to it. give those folks a few more glorious minutes posthumously. let’s take a recently departed person who really enjoyed horses, for example. rather than lying them in a $10,000 box on an altar, prop them up on an animatronic horse on stage. the deceased would be posed in the saddle, face fixed with a gleeful smile, and an arm up waving at the audience via a small system of motors that had been implanted in the arm. “Don’t Fence Me In” would be tweedling on the sound system, and a pre-recorded message with the person’s voice would play (this requires planning – not applicable in the case of sudden death or accident).

you could stage a similar scene with someone on a bike or a motorcycle, a skateboard, a putter & putting green, or even some cross country skis. have you ever seen The Hall of Presidents at Disneyland? kind of like that, only more fun. depending on the budget, an entire stage could be set to the family’s liking or based on prior wishes of the deceased. why not have a complete theatrical production featuring the corpse? imagine a musical with uncle larry propped up center stage “singing” excerpts from ‘Oklahoma’.

so you can start to see how if dying is unavoidable, it might as well be an art form. the possibilities are practically limitless!

but for me, don’t go through all of that trouble. take my ashes, and from them make some espresso. have a sip and enjoy a nice chat with a friend.

not that there's anything wrong with that

one day, a guy rode down a frozen track while lying prone on a sled. upon watching that guy careen down that frozen track, some other guy shouted "hey! let me lay on you and let's both go down together on your sled!" "well, that would be sort of weird, but i guess so", the first guy said.

maybe that's how the Two Man Luge event was born. i don't know for sure, but i doubt it was anything more glamorous than that. well, unless maybe it came about when two buddies had been drinking at the top of a mountain and one of them was in such a stupor that he couldn't get down the mountain on his own. so they both rode the sled down together.

those are the only reasonable explanations i can possibly imagine. how else could you explain it? take one guy on a luge rocketing down the track, and that is really cool to watch. but who said "great! let's do it with two guys!"?

was it part of someone's bizarre fantasy? it's not like having a donut. mmmm....a donut. one is great, but two donuts? HEAVEN! two guys on one sled doesn't really buy much more "wow" than one guy.

i can't imagine Two Man Luge practice. "lay on me now, Horst. ok, a little to the left, if you would please....your spine...it's..... ok, that's better.  let's fly."

it's the equivalent of a cycling event with one teammate on the handlebars. or even better, a two man bull riding event in rodeo.

mark my words: men's pairs figure skating in the 2014 Winter Olympics.

we don't often talk about work during coffee time.  coffee time is a time for humor, a time to ponder life's weirdness, and to make fun of stuff.

but inevitably, work does creep into conversation and of course it is rarely serious. other people sit and discuss the outcome of their sales meeting, how they might motivate employees, or goals & objectives for the new year.

when bill and i discuss work, it's an office-spawned episode of "Beavis and Butthead". in our office, everyone is so completely serious, so focused, and so - um - professional that you would be hard pressed to detect anything resembling a sense of humor. it is for this reason that our co-workers can use the phrase "penetration testing" with a completely straight face.

bill and i hear this term and we are instantly reduced to tears, and we have had many discussions recapping the hilarious phrases we hear in meetings and conference calls. yes, there's "end to end testing", or "the tool is broken, i can't pull it up". then there was the one referring to one of our vendors: "they can't handle our load".

yes, there's "load testing", "unit testing", and even "regression" (though that is probably more of a psychological problem).

you'd think that by this point in life such juvenile humor wouldn't pose such an obstacle to professionalism.  but work without found humor would surely be pure torment.

some people just can't "get their hands around it".

here's a sure-fire hit at the office. next time you're at starbucks, get a handful of gift cards. you don't have to pay for the cards themselves as they are worthless unless you load funds on them at the point of sale.

so you have your handful of empty starbucks cards. peel off the little sticker. next, wrap each one in a nice little gift card envelope and place them on each of your co-workers' desks with a note that says "just a little something for all you do".

then, go on vacation for two weeks and laugh the whole time while you think about your co-workers skipping into starbucks, ordering a $4 cup of caffeine, then discovering that there are no funds on the card.

hee-haw-larious!  

morning bun

among the choices from the local starbucks goodie bin is bill's favorite - morning bun. whether or not it is delicious is beside the point. it's just really freaking funny to hear someone say "i'd like the morning bun, please".  it's probably funnier if you watched a lot of beavis & butthead. or if you happen to be fairly immature and in your 40s.


you see, bill lives for the morning bun. the pastry, that is, and not the "hurry before the kids wake up" version. well, maybe they are equal favorites but i digress. one day, we walk in and stand in line to order and bill immediately eyes the one solitary, delectable morning bun sitting tauntingly in the case, crusted with cinnamon and sugar. there is one guy in line in front of us and he is the only thing standing between bill and 300 calories of sweet gooey bliss.


the guy in front of us orders. "i'll have the morning bun, please."


bill's screams were incredible. the startled barista dropped a freshly made venti half-caff, non-fat, extra syrup, part foam, part whip, extra hot, choccalakkamochalatteyaya on her shoes, and several patrons ducked under tables.


"NOOOO!! NOOOO!!!" he kept screaming over and over, and it took several of us to restrain him as the guy in line enjoyed his precious morning bun in agonizing slow motion right in front of bill.


morning bun. it may be an activity; or it could be a delight with coffee. just don't get in bill's way when he's got his mind set on one.

get away

there are those who take a twisted sort of pride in never leaving the office once they enter. these are the every day heroes who are very very impressive indeed. focused, intense, purposeful, and dedicated.

no one cares.

my good friend bill and i make it a point nearly every day to get out of the building and go have coffee. yes, we actually take a lunch hour. now i know you may be asking yourself, "how can anyone with a conscience leave the office for an hour during times of 10% unemployment?"

bah.

you gotta get free. you gotta clear your mind. you gotta go laugh and spend time with a friend. so each day is planned around this exodus, and curses to those who threaten to schedule yet another meaningless meeting during our sacred hour.

americans are insane with the mode of workworkwork. vacations keep you healthy whether a week long or an hour.

here's to getting away.